more musical resonance

the other day, i put on everclear's "so much for the afterglow". some of you indie-music snobs may scoff, but i really don't give a fuck because i enjoy some of their music. when everclear are at the top of their game, the melodies are catchy, the guitars are crunchy, and the lyrics have a deft touch to them. so anyways, and the song "father of mine" comes on and punches me in the stomach. i hadn't listened to it in a long time and had kinda forgotten about it. the thing about the song is that if the lyrics had been reversed to be about his mother, it would practically be about the relationship (or lack of) between my mother and i.

there are a couple verses that absolutely kill me. one is where he says
"sometimes you would send me a birthday card
with a five dollar bill
i never understood you then
and i guess i never will"

the other one is
"i will never be safe
i will never be sane
i will always be weird inside
i will always be lame"

the song closes out with the lines
"my daddy gave me a name
and he walked away"

there's a kind of simplicity to the song which makes it hit that much harder. he just gets right down to business and it's not pretty. i think i was nearly in tears the first time i heard that song. i realize i'm not the only person who has ever gone through this and, in a way, it's kinda nice to know that there's somebody out there who shares and understands the pain. listening to this song is good, it's kinda cathartic; one of those confronting-your-inner-demon-and-beating-the-shit-out-of-it things. give the song a chance, you might like it.

weirdly enough, some of the people on my hockey team were talking about their mothers tonight after our game. one guy mentioned how he stopped talking to his mother for a month or two. another guy was going on about how stressful this past thanksgiving was, as he and his girlf had gone to stay with his parents for a week. then one of them turned to me and asked me about my mother and i replied that i hadn't spoken with her in at least five or six years. he apologized somewhat awkwardly, but i waved it off. it's not a big deal and how would he have known? i could have lied and said my mother was doing well, but there's no reason to hide it because it's part of who i am and i'm okay with it.


Sharon said...

Happy birthday to ya!

This time last year we were eating the best burritos in town! :D


Stef said...

I don't know anything about your family life but it's cool that you're open about it (what ever it is), people being embarrassed to be at odds with their family is weird.

I get on with my family but I hate doing 'family days' like Christmas and just got a bollocking (telling off) for trying to escape Christmas. I'd rather just go and see them when it suits us rather than when culture dictates we have to.

(Never heard of Everclear)

robot_hero said...

thanks sharon! ^_^

yeah, stef...i hear ya about the family thing. i get along with my father and stepmother, they're pretty cool, but prescribed "family days" are pretty much greeting card company cash cows.

hmm...everclear came kinda late to the grunge (i really hate that word) scene. they're sorta inconsistent in that their good songs are really good and the not-so-good ones are pretty bad, but i think they're worth a listen.

Stef said...

They're kinda grungy?

I really missed out on that whole scene because of sheer pig-headedness. i was at uni in '91...

My wife's from Seattle though so she has quite a bit. ;-) Most of it still passes me by but, and I'm not sure they're quite 'scene' but I got well into the Smashing Pumpkins because of her.

robot_hero said...

you didn't miss a lot. there were a few good bands, but it's difficult for me to listen to them these days. your lady would probably stand a chance of having heard everclear, seeing as they are from the pacific northwest as well (a lot of those bands were from that area anyways).