more musical resonance
the other day, i put on everclear's "so much for the afterglow". some of you indie-music snobs may scoff, but i really don't give a fuck because i enjoy some of their music. when everclear are at the top of their game, the melodies are catchy, the guitars are crunchy, and the lyrics have a deft touch to them. so anyways, and the song "father of mine" comes on and punches me in the stomach. i hadn't listened to it in a long time and had kinda forgotten about it. the thing about the song is that if the lyrics had been reversed to be about his mother, it would practically be about the relationship (or lack of) between my mother and i.
there are a couple verses that absolutely kill me. one is where he says
"sometimes you would send me a birthday card
with a five dollar bill
i never understood you then
and i guess i never will"
the other one is
"i will never be safe
i will never be sane
i will always be weird inside
i will always be lame"
the song closes out with the lines
"my daddy gave me a name
and he walked away"
there's a kind of simplicity to the song which makes it hit that much harder. he just gets right down to business and it's not pretty. i think i was nearly in tears the first time i heard that song. i realize i'm not the only person who has ever gone through this and, in a way, it's kinda nice to know that there's somebody out there who shares and understands the pain. listening to this song is good, it's kinda cathartic; one of those confronting-your-inner-demon-and-beating-the-shit-out-of-it things. give the song a chance, you might like it.
weirdly enough, some of the people on my hockey team were talking about their mothers tonight after our game. one guy mentioned how he stopped talking to his mother for a month or two. another guy was going on about how stressful this past thanksgiving was, as he and his girlf had gone to stay with his parents for a week. then one of them turned to me and asked me about my mother and i replied that i hadn't spoken with her in at least five or six years. he apologized somewhat awkwardly, but i waved it off. it's not a big deal and how would he have known? i could have lied and said my mother was doing well, but there's no reason to hide it because it's part of who i am and i'm okay with it.